Who Cares About “What They Say?”

“You know what they say, girl…”

“The key is to make him think that he chose you.”

“It’s always better when he loves you just a little bit more than you love him.”

“You’ll know when you meet the one.”

These, and other tidbits of wisdom can be heard any time women debate the path to marriage. We’re always trying to figure out the secret, that thing that’s supposed to help us find the one.

I’ve had enough of these debates, and I think they’re fruitless. They trap us. We spend our time looking for signs that he loves us more than we love him, playing coy to make him believe that he’s choosing us, when in fact, we’ve chosen him. And I’m sick of it.

Maybe this works for some women. For me, it only causes anxiety in a brain that is overactive enough. I’m too concerned with life, liberty and the pursuit of nappyness to obsess over how much he loves me or whether or not it’s obvious that I’ve already chosen him. What exactly would happen if I was being too obvious? Would he run off? Wouldn’t that mean that I shouldn’t be with him in the first place?

Maybe it’s because I once ascribed to these beliefs and got my feelings hurt; I spent so much time looking for “signs.” Or maybe it’s because I think that these myths live because women want so badly to avoid being hurt (again). But I’m tired of bracing myself for heartache. I’ve been single for quite some time, and I know that fear has been a major factor in my solitude.

I hope that if I’ve met a man who I can spend a lifetime or a “longtime” with, I won’t have to worry about these things. I hope that my relationship with that man is honest and intimate enough to know his true feelings. I hope that I’ll be able to be myself completely, and he’ll do the same.

I’m not looking for the one, I’m not choosing anybody, and I’m not going to play coy with my feelings. I’ve decided to just be open and honest, and that alone will bring me the experiences and relationships that I dream about. Whether they last for a lifetime or a longtime.

This post was also featured on The Evolution of SHE.